Lament
by Ina-chan
Summary: Ayame installment to the WANDERING storyline. Ayame laments about his role in Yuki's condition.


Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to Takaya Natsuki-sensei and Hana to Yume comics. This fic is done only for the glorification of Furuba!  
  
September 17, 2002  
  
Lament  
by Ina-chan  
  
  
"Whatever kind of memory will perfectly be kept in the heart."   
– Honda Tooru, Fruits Basket, Chapter 23  
  
  
  
  
  
/'It's over. It's finally over.'/   
  
I remember whispering those words of relief over and over as I held "his" frail body in my arms. I remember placing an insecure hand over "his" chest, just to make sure. To make sure that I feel its rise and fall, along with the rhythmic beating of "his" heart. After all the pain and suffering… it was over. It was finally over. I couldn't help but generously allow letting the tears of relief to trail down on my face.  
  
As it turned out… that relief blinded me from realizing the truth.  
  
/'Yuki… forgive me…'/  
  
He said it almost inaudibly, that if he still wasn't bent over "him", I wouldn't have heard it.  
  
/'Tori-san?'/  
  
The uncharacteristic way he lifted his hands from "his" now serene face. The uncharacteristic way he slowly pushed himself away from "his" bed and sat back on his heels. The uncharacteristic way he didn't bother to lift his head to acknowledge my inquiry. The uncharacteristic way he bowed prone before us, in deep apology.  
  
/'Tori-san? What's wrong? Everything will be alright, won't it?'/   
  
I called out to him again. I instinctively tightened my hold on "his" deeply slumbering body.   
  
/'Ayame… forgive me…'/  
  
That was all he said…  
  
/'Tori-san, what's wrong?'/  
  
…in that same almost inaudible whisper…   
  
/'…forgive me…'/  
  
…those two words…  
  
/'Tori-san, what did you do?'/  
  
…the only sound coming from his mouth…  
  
/'…forgive me…'/  
  
…as a chill of dread started to creep up on my spine.  
  
/'WHAT DID YOU DO !?!?'/  
  
  
***  
  
"Ni-san?"  
  
My eyes snapped open, to find my reflection staring back at me. Of course, the only thing was that my reflection looked ten years younger and was wearing a pair of expressive grey eyes, full of concern. I tried to rub the heaviness I felt in my own eyes as I forced out a smile, "Oya… I must have dozed off for a moment there."  
  
My younger mirror image studied my face for a moment, before a line wrinkled over his forehead, "Ni-san not feel well?"   
  
"Sorry, sorry…" I couldn't help but let out a small laugh at that. To think that all those years ago, I only dreamed that he would openly express any form of concern over me. I let out a small smile, reserved for moments like this, "I'm just tired, that's all."   
  
It was late afternoon… almost evening in fact. Since early this spring, Tori-san had given Yuki the privilege of freely going to one of the gardens in the Main House as long as he had someone nearby. It would seem that Yuki's gift for making things grow had always been an innate passion. Within a few weeks time, what used to be a simple manicured rose garden became a creative myriad of both flowering plants and vegetables.  
  
Needless to say, to the uninitiated, entering the world that my younger brother has created with his hands would be taken aback by this unorthodox combination and organized chaos. But to those who have watched his garden evolve from the past season, it was obvious that the state of his garden reflected the state of his mind.   
  
But at the moment, his face reflected a more direct sentiment. The unconvinced frown never left his forehead as he tilted his head to one side, looking almost childlike, "Go back now?"  
  
"Aya-chan, are you sure that's all?" A second concerned voice suddenly called out from above my head before I could answer him  
  
I looked up in surprise and saw Gura-chan crouched over me with the identical worried expression as his, "Oya? Since when did you come?"  
  
"A while ago. You were sleeping so soundly. I thought it would be better to let you sleep so I kept Yun-chan company…" She answered, before giving me an impish smile, "Aaah, if Hatori-nisan found out you're dozing off and leaving Yun-chan alone, you'll get a scolding of a lifetime."  
  
"Ni-san played cards all night," Yuki declared   
  
She made a face, "Tried to teach you a new game?"  
  
Yuki nodded solemnly.  
  
"And time passed by so quickly… so Gura-chan, what brought you to visit today…" I interrupted, not liking the direction the conversation was going to  
  
"How many tries before you started beating him this time?" She continued, totally ignoring me  
  
Yuki raised 3 fingers, that solemn expression never leaving his face.  
  
"You know, this really isn't…" I started again, trying to draw her attention  
  
"How many tries before he gave up?" She continued to ignore me  
  
"Sixty."   
  
"Haaa… I think Aya-chan has been hanging around Shi-chan too much."   
  
"Oya?" I simply gave her a quizzical look, "What does this have to do with anything?"  
  
"It seems that even this old snake can't be taught new tricks," Her playful laughter tinkled gently like little bell chimes in the air  
  
"How rude!" I forced out my most outraged expression I could muster, "I was simply doing the duty of deepening my bond with my only brother by spending quality time with him. Besides I was letting him win."  
  
"Of course," Shecontinued, still looking unconvinced before turning her attention to her younger cousin, "Ne, Yun-chan… why don't you finish tending to the seedlings I brought earlier before we run out of light."  
  
My heart softened when I saw him turn towards my direction to silently ask a question of reassurance with his worried eyes, "Go ahead, Yuki. We'll go back as soon as you're done."   
  
He swept one more silent glance between her and I, before reluctantly returning to the work he abandoned nearby.  
  
"Ne, Aya-chan," She asked softly as soon as Yuki was out of hearing range, "Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
"Oya, Gura-chan is really very persistent," I let out with a half-hearted sigh, suddenly feeling a little drained  
  
"Kuramae-san… was worried," She began hesitantly, waiting for my reaction. When I gave none, she continued, "She told me that you haven't been yourself lately. You've been skipping work and that you've started to spend more time than necessarily with Yuki."  
  
I raised a suspicious eyebrow at that, "Is that really what she said?"  
  
"More or less," She replied, not allowing any opportunity to sway her, "And earlier, you looked as if you were having a bad dream."  
  
I couldn't find the right words to counter that.  
  
"Aya-chan… Tomorrow… it's going to be a year since… that time… with Yun-chan…" Her voice trailed, as if suddenly unsure of her words  
  
When Tooru left, Yuki made a heroic attempt to fill her shoes. After Yuki failed, and the long string of family tragedies followed, it was Gura-chan who instinctively stepped in to fill the void. She wasn't Tooru, but everyone seemed to accept her efforts in stride. Nonetheless, that familiar feeling of apprehension came to me as she attempted to step across an invisible line that was drawn a year ago.  
  
Like I mentioned earlier, as sweet, though often a stubborn person Gura-chan is… she wasn't Tooru.  
  
"Ah, Yuki," I called out loudly as I rose from where I was sitting to join my brother at a nearby corner of the garden, "Ne, what did Gura-chan bring for you today? Let me see?"   
  
"Strawberries… I think," Yuki replied as he delicately held out a small plant he had taken out of the planter in his gloved hands  
  
I forced my lips to curve up from the straight line it threatened to form, and desperately tried to fight the urge to shoot her a reprimanding look. I could sense her hovering behind me, as if trying to gauge whether or not she was safe to pass by a snake that might or might not strike to bite her. In the end she found shelter by occupying the space on Yuki's side. She seemed to have accepted a temporary retreat, but knowing her, she's not the type of person who takes rejection as a permanent roadblock.  
  
"Ah, before Yun-chan became ill, I remember the garden at Shi-chan's house practically overrun by strawberry bushes everywhere. Every strawberry season, we practically lived on strawberries until we got sick of it ," She drawled, "So it's only appropriate for strawberries to live in this garden as well, ne?"  
  
"I… liked strawberries… that much?" Yuki asked quietly, not lifting his eyes from the tiny plant in his hand  
  
"You loved them very much," She replied in the same quiet manner, as if trying to control the emotion threatening to overpower her voice, "You loved them with all your heart and soul."  
  
Despite of myself, I felt a painful lump starting to form in my own throat. The true meaning behind her words made me aware of the dull throbbing ache in my chest that I have been trying to ignore all these years. I could only watch silently as Yuki planted the seedling on the ground in the tender meticulous manner he does when adding or moving a new plant to its new home. I knelt there, watching, mesmerized by his slow, deliberate, and almost ceremonial gestures. I almost didn't notice the clear drops of liquid that fell on the ground and on the plant's small leaves until his hands suddenly stopped in surprise.   
  
"Oya? The weather forecast didn't say anything about rain today…" I stated dumbly as I instinctively looked up at the clear sky  
  
"Yun-chan?"  
  
The tone in her voice forced me to return my attention to them. Yuki took one glove off from his hand and lifted his fingers to touch the clear warm liquid flowing uncontrollably down his face.  
  
"Ara?" He stared at his wet fingers in bewilderment, before turning to look up and face me, "Why am I crying?"  
  
"Yuki…" That look of bewilderment on Yuki must have also been identically reflected on my own face. I could only watch him silently as he un-gloved his other hand and attempted to rub away the tears in his eyes with the back of his hands and his sleeve.  
  
"I… don't… understand…" He continued as the tightness in his own throat started to make speaking difficult, "It won't… stop… Why… won't it… stop?"  
  
"Yun-chan…" She said mournfully as she reached out her hand to comfort him  
  
"KAGURA, DON'T!" I called out in alarm. Perhaps it was because I was the one who spent the most time with him, that's why I was able to predict it. I could see the early signs… his building anxiety… the way the muscles in his jaw tensed… how he unconsciously clenched his hands… Then again, the Yuki of the past didn't like to be touched either.   
  
It was only because of own her martial arts training that saved her from the fist that suddenly flew in the air and tried to make contact with her chin. However, avoiding his fist was the only reaction she could do as fear and shock took over her body. I could only hold my breath as I watched my brother tower over our cousin's frozen form. Then, for some miracle, he decided to abandon her and spun around to start the agitated pacing that always followed his outbursts.  
  
"Kagura, get Hatori!" I instructed firmly. Of course, she was already way ahead of me, as I found myself yelling at her back while she disappeared into the hallways of the Main House.   
  
I've somewhat memorized the cycles he goes through when he has these episodes. At this point, he was pacing around the perimeter of the garden. I allowed myself to have the luxury of a sigh of relief at that. At least, he wasn't going to attempt to run away, for now… Like many times before, I started my own pace to match his, but still trying to keep a safe distance. His fists were still clenched, so it was still dangerous to directly approach him… and I, having no martial arts training to defend myself, would be at a very unfair disadvantage if such a confrontation were to happen.  
  
After doing this many times with him, I've somewhat gained an understanding to why he goes through this strange routine when these episodes occur. I realized the importance of his pacing, and also found it as the best opportunity to try to calm him down. Many times, I found my own jumbled train of thoughts start to organize, my own anxieties start to ebb away as I paced with him. His brisk walking was his way of trying to take control of his confused thoughts and disorientation.   
  
Then he stopped. I could see him literally bristling as he raised his defences one notch higher. I didn't need to turn around to know the reason why. From the corner of my eye, I could see Tori-san and Gura-chan a short distance away, waiting for my signal. It saddened me, but I didn't blame him. If I were in his shoes, specially during moments like this, I too would most likely see Tori-san as an enemy.  
  
"Ne, Yuki," I brought out my most soothing tone, "Let's go back now, okay?"  
  
Yuki didn't move. He stood there frozen, not taking his suspicious glare away from Tori-san   
  
"It's okay, Yuki. Ni-san is right here," I continued, trying to ease him, "Ni-san will make sure you're safe."  
  
I allowed a real smile to touch my lips, as I saw him slowly respond to my words. His shoulders gradually relaxed from his defensive stance, as well as his clenched fists.  
  
"That's right, Yuki. Now give me your hand," I cautiously reached out to take his hand and made another breath of relief as he wrapped his own fingers around mine. I took this as an opportunity to protectively drape my other arm around his shoulder and firmly lead him back indoors, "Everything will be alright. Ni-san won't let you get lost. So stay with Ni-san, Yuki. Stay with me…"  
  
***  
  
/'Stay with me.'/  
  
I almost whispered those words out loud, over his head as I slowly rocked his dead weight in my arms. I desperately hoped that he would somehow hear my thoughts… desperately willed for him to hear me.   
  
But he simply continued to lay still, his shallow breathing was his only sign of life. His eyes remained closed, with his head was supported on my shoulder, the rest of his body, melding submissively to my sitting position as I cradled him on my chest.   
  
He had become so weak, that he had transformed several times the past few days. It's really just by his sheer will that he still clinging on to life. At his state, one could say it's a miracle that he transforms back into his human form. Tori-san deemed it too dangerous to give him any form of invasive treatment, specially with the nature of his cursed form. Anything even as simple as an IV needle could seriously injure him. So that's why he's laying here in my arms, slowly wasting away. Tori-san told me that now would be the best time to say my farewell before it was too late.   
  
"Ne, Yuki… This is very hard for you, isn't it?" I whispered, trying to control the emotions threatening to overwhelm my voice, "I know why you're doing this. It's for Tooru-kun, isn't it? Tooru-kun would have wanted all of us to continue living. I know that you want to continue on living for her… but… Yuki… a part of yourself has given up despite of your efforts. That's what's making you so ill. Now you're stuck in the middle. Yuki is still alive, but Yuki's not living anymore. I don't think Tooru-kun would want that for Yuki either. That's why… that's…"  
  
I paused and tried to swallow back the painful lump stuck in my throat. I closed my eyes and tried to summon enough strength to say the words to follow…  
  
"…it's okay, Yuki. It's alright if you choose to go. I think Tooru-kun will understand. We'll all be sad, but we don't want to see you like this. We don't want you suffering like this. Tooru-kun, most of all."  
Even as I said it, it rang hollow and false in my ears. Those words were not what I truly felt in my heart. I can't. My selfishness won't allow it. I wasn't ready yet… I wasn't ready yet…  
  
"I won't get mad if you go, Yuki…" I buried my chin on the nook of his neck to whisper directly into his ear as I tightened my hold on him, afraid that he'll go, "…but still, I don't want you to. I'm not ready to loose you. I know you'll get better if you let Tori-san to take away your pain. I know it's asking too much. I know it's being selfish of me. But I can't help it. I can't let you go yet… I can't loose you yet..."  
  
Please…  
  
"Please Yuki, I promise that I'll never abandon you again…"  
  
Please…  
  
"I promise that I'll never leave your side…"  
  
Please…  
  
"I promise that I'll do everything to make sure that you'll know her even after you've forgotten…"  
  
Please…  
  
"I'm not ready to loose you yet… so please… stay with me, Yuki."  
  
…because…  
  
"Stay with me."  
  
I need you.  
  
I was so full of selfish self-pity that I didn't even notice your reply right away. I didn't notice you weakly turned your head and almost wordlessly moved your lips until I felt your breath against my cheek. I couldn't help but start bawling like a child when I realized what it was you said. Once again, I am struck and humbled by the vast difference between the two of us… my selfishness… and your kindness. How, once again, you were willing to sacrifice everything all over with that one breathless whisper.  
  
/'Ha… to… ri…'/  
  
  
***  
  
  
"Aya-chan?"  
  
I raised my head and saw her standing uncertainly by the door. I motioned for her to get the other chair situated at the far corner of the room and silently watched her as she took my cue and settled on the space beside me by Yuki's bed.  
  
"How is he?" She asked   
  
"He's fine," I replied as turned my attention back to my sleeping brother and reached out to brush several errant strands of hair from his face, "Tori-san gave him something to help him settle, and I managed to get him to eat most of his supper before the medication took effect. Hopefully he'll sleep throughout the night," I looked up to face her again, "How about Gura-chan? Are you okay?"  
  
She nodded, flashing me a small smile, "A little shaken, but I think I'm okay. I don't know how you manage to stand all that excitement."  
  
"You just need to give him some time to get used to you," I replied, giving her a small smile of reassurance in return  
  
"And Aya-chan?" Kagura stated again, "Is Aya-chan taking enough time for himself?"  
  
The smile automatically disappeared from my face as I turned away from her. I knew exactly where the direction of this conversation is going. Sometimes I don't know if her stubbornness is one of her virtues, or if she's simply being pig-headed in purpose.   
  
"Aya-chan and Yun-chan are really brothers," She stated blandly, "Both refusing to see what they don't want to see even when its shoved right under their noses."  
  
"This is really none of your business, Kagura," I shot back in a low whisper  
  
"Aya-chan, you're exhausted! You're starting to get sick!" She whispered back harshly  
  
"Watch your tone to your elders."   
  
"How can you expect to continue to take care of Yun-chan is you can't even take care of yourself."  
  
I couldn't help but flinch instinctively at her fighting words. Nevertheless, this is one conversation I have no wish or desire to continue, "I don't want to talk about this right now. Yuki finally fell asleep."  
  
"Stop using Yun-chan as an excuse."  
  
"What did you say?" I intoned dangerously as I gave her the coldest glare that I could muster. I saw her wince at my reaction, but she still didn't back down, "You have no idea what you're talking about. Why can't any of you understand that I can't leave him? Specially now. If he wakes up and realizes that I'm not here, he'll think that I've abandoned him again."  
  
"But Aya-chan… how can Yun-chan even think that? Half of the time, he doesn't even know who we are."  
  
I could only stare at her numbly as her words sank into my head. I don't know what the expression on my face looked like at that moment, but it must have been frightening, based on her startled reaction, "Get out."  
  
"I'm sorry Aya-chan, I didn't mean to—"  
  
"Get. Out."  
  
"I'm sorry I went to far, I—"  
  
"GET OUT!!!"  
  
With that, her face crumpled and she started sobbing hysterically in her hands, "Mou! I don't want to do this any more, Tooru-kun! This is too hard!"  
  
Suddenly, I found myself taken aback by her uncharacteristic outburst. I could only watch as my cousin tried to control her sobs to find her voice to continue.  
  
"Aya-chan… you're so unfair! You're not… you're not the only one… you're not the only one suffering! At least he responds to you… but to us… us… we're just random strangers in his life! Mou! I don't want this anymore! I lost so many… so many important people… I don't want this! I don't want to lose anyone else!"  
  
  
/'I'm not ready to loose you yet… so please… stay with me...'/  
  
  
"Gura-chan…" I called out gently as I reached out an apologetic hand to touch her.   
  
Without another word, she slapped my hand away and abruptly ran out of the room, her chair falling to the floor with a loud bang. Yuki stirred in his sleep at the disturbance before shifting to a more comfortable position and returning to his slumber. Leaving me, once again, to wallow in the pool of my self-pity.  
  
Why is it… that every time I try to do what I think is good, I end up hurting someone else? Why is it… that when I try to be kind, I end up realizing that I'm just fulfilling my own selfishness? Even though the old Yuki is gone… somehow… I can still feel it. I can still feel the vast gap and difference between the two of us.  
  
"Ayame."  
  
I didn't need to look up to know who that voice belonged to. I simply stood up and arranged Gura-chan's fallen chair into its proper upright position before forcing a smile to turn to him, "Ah, Tori-san. Sorry for the disturbance…"  
  
"Ayame, go home," He cut me off before I could continue my babble, "I called Kuramae-san to take you home. She's waiting for you in the parlour. It's rude to keep a lady waiting."  
  
"Tori-san…"  
  
"And don't come tomorrow," He stated firmly in his usual bland tone, "Or I'll ask Kuramae-san to slip something in your tea then tie you down."  
  
Of all the people in the world, I thought it would be Tori-san who will understand my feelings. Somehow, it didn't seem fair that everyone was turning against me. All these years, I've been nothing but selfish. All this time, I've done nothing but cause other people to feel pain. So many what ifs… so many what I should have dones… I tried to keep her words in mind… Tooru-kun. I remember that afternoon… when her words enlightened me. She brought me hope back then. That despite the sins I've done in the past… I still had hope to make up for it. To make things right. For a moment, I thought that I was in the right path for my atonement, only to realize that I just paved the harder road for others.  
  
If I wasn't so selfish about my own freedom… perhaps Yuki wouldn't have been alone as a child.  
  
If I wasn't so selfish as to think only of my own fears of Akito's repraisals… perhaps Yuki wouldn't have lost Tooru.  
  
If I wasn't so self-centred as to think that I could somehow think of something fix this whole problem… perhaps I would have noticed earlier that Yuki was getting sick.  
  
If I wasn't so selfish as to hold him back and force him to make that sacrifice… perhaps Yuki wouldn't have been reduced to a lost soul, even more helpless than a child  
  
"Ayame, none of this is your fault," He suddenly said as if reading my thoughts, "No one can explain why life leads us to certain roads. Along the way, we can make wrong choices. But what's most important is that we keep moving forward, if not for our own sake, then for the sake of the people who need us. And when we falter, we have to learn to depend on the strength of the people we trust."  
  
I closed my eyes at his words. It's just like Tori-san to say something profound on the right moments...  
  
"Yuki needs you too. He needs you now more than ever."  
  
It's just like Tori-san to say exactly the words that I need to hear…  
  
"So at least until you regain your strength to move forward with him again, allow us to stay with him."   
  
So… Tori-san understood me, after all. He understood me much more that I understood myself. I felt something inside me relax and let go. For the first time in a long time, I finally allowed my accumulated exhaustion to overwhelm me. Fortunately, Tori-san was immediately at my side to catch me, before my knees gave way.  
  
"I'm sorry to disobey you, Tori-san," I said tiredly, forcing an impish grin, "But it seems that my legs have decided to stop working."  
  
He simply glanced at me as he slung my arm over his shoulder, and adjusted my position to better support my weight.  
  
"Idiot."  
  
  
~OWARI~  
  
  
  
Author's squawk:  
  
Haaaaa! I finally finished my final instalment (as of yet) for the "Wandering" storyline. NOW THIS storyline I found most emotionally draining to write. I had to listen to Gackt and stare at his pics for a while, to get my happy energy groove back. Nothing like staring at a pretty boy like Gackt while listening to his angelic voice to make a lonely girl happy.  
  
Anywayz… I know for sure Ayame is waaay OOC on this one. But I've always wanted to experiment on Ayame for lots of many reasons. First of all, Takaya-sensei has pretty much reserved Ayame as a "supporting character" and didn't give us as much in-depth info on him, re: his dynamics in the Souma Family other than "the annoyingly strange and overconfident one". We just know that he's pretty much distant to everyone else in their family except Shigure and Hatori. So far, other Souma members either loved him or hated him… pretty much has the same story as Yuki, ne?  
  
That's why, I've always been fascinated by Ayame's serious moments. Specially those special bonding moments he has with Yuki. It shows deeper glimpses of his true self… and its revealed that underneath all those lace, ruffles, and eccentricity… he's actually hiding a very profound and insightful inner self. ^_^. I think Ayame and Yuki have a lot more in common than either of them would care to admit. So I figured… if I compounded all these problems to Ayame… I think, for sure, he'll eventually break down the same way Yuki did in this storyline.   
  
Of all the Jyuunishi, at the event that Tooru disappears from the picture in the Souma clan, I think the top three people who will most likely fill up her void based on manga history are: Yuki, Haru, and Kagura. Yuki got rubbed off for obvious reasons in the storyline… Haru, I veered away, since we all know what happened when he got all upset about his break-up with Rin. So I kinda disqualified Haru for his black mode.  
  
I think of all the Jyuunishi members, it would be Haru who will be most badly affected if something horrible happened to Yuki. For sure, he'll be around to help Yuki all he can, but I kinda set him aside this early in the timeline. I honestly see Ayame dominating Yuki's time during his illness, and most likely in the early part after the memory erasure years. I see Haru playing a bigger role, later in Yuki's recovery when he finally forms his identity. Haru, Momiji, and Kyou are the people who I envision as doing the most influence… particularly with supplementing Yuki with memories of Tooru. Maybe if I get inspired with an idea on how to do that, I'll write it… but for now… hiatus… ^_^.  
  
So that leaves Kagura to fill in Tooru's shoes. After all their losses, and acting as a pillar for Kyou… I think by this time, Kagura would have matured into an amazing young woman. Of course, she'll never replace Tooru, but I do think she'll make a very competent job in keeping everyone together. She'll be like a more assertive Tooru. ^_^.  
  
Haaa… I think I babbled enough… The notes are becoming just as long as the fic. ^_^. Well I hope you liked this. C&C to ina_chan@yahoo.com  
  
Ja!  
Ina-chan 


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